Handling the Weight-Loss Sabotaging Partner

Your partner (or parents, housemates, siblings, children, friends) says they love you.  Most of the time, you even believe those words when they come out of their mouth.  But then you go on a diet.  You’re working harder than you’ve ever worked on anything in your life.  You’re committed.  You are making changes happen.

They bring home donuts and fried chicken.

You come home and your favorite junk foods are laid out to tempt you.  Or they order a pizza to “celebrate your diet success.”  Really?  To celebrate my staying on my diet you want to make me walk the plank into a giant tub of full-fat ice cream?  Awww, thanks for thinking of me, I love you too!

Treats are delivered with an expectant smile, like you’re supposed to thank them.  Well, that’s not going to happen.

When dealing with the sabotaging partner, it’s important to remember two things: 1) they might just be a jerk, and 2) they might not be.  Let’s look at these possibilities in turn.

No relationship is perfect and we’d be lonely forever if we insisted on perfection.  But some relationships are a lot less perfect than they need to be.  I don’t think I’m going to shock anyone by saying that very often people with a weight problem have an accompanying or underlying self-esteem problem.

Lack of self-esteem leads us to settle for much less than we deserve in the loving respect department.  We either seek out partners who will treat us like crap right off the bat, or we encourage this behavior to increase slowly over time by allowing it.  I am not blaming the victim here.  What I am saying is that it does take two to tango—if you leave the dance floor entirely, they can’t keep treating you like crap.

If your partner is leaving you “treats” because they’re a jerk, why are they doing it?  To keep you fat.  To keep you hating yourself.  That lets them keep you right where they want you, under their control.  It also lets them keep feeling better than you, or at least no worse.  If you keep failing at your diet, they hope you will believe yourself a failure.  They are counting on the death of your dreams.  And could you bring them another beer while you’re up.

Only you can decide if your partner falls into the jerk category.  If they are, then you’re going to need to decide if they’re unredeemable.  Take a hard look at your relationship.  Stretch your imagination.  Can you see a future where the two of you are happy together?  Can you picture them happy for you when you achieve personal or professional success?  Can you imagine them proud of you?

If you can imagine these things, then get started creating them.  Stop taking crap.  Tell them you’re done taking crap.  Do it in a firm way, if that’s the approach they need, or ask gently, or carefully negotiate.  Let them know that things need to change between you.  Identify the specific behaviors and words that make you feel disrespected and unloved.  Get the help of a counselor.  Remember that you helped create this situation, and it’s going to take a lot of work from you as well as them to change it.  You need to change yourself into a person who nips that crap in the bud, and that’s a really hard thing to do while still inside the relationship.

If you can’t imagine your partner treating you well in any universe, it’s time to get out.  Take whatever measures you need to be safe.  Bury your dead and move on.  Get started changing yourself into a person who nips that crap in the bud in her next relationship.

Let’s look at the possibility that they’re not just a jerk.  If that’s the case, why are they trying to tank your diet?

Maybe they’re just oblivious.  You’ve been together for 15 years, and for 14.99 of those years you really liked it when they brought home donuts and fried chicken.  They could just be acting out of habit and trying to be nice to you.

If this is the case, you can try pointing out to them that things have changed, and you no longer want them to bring you food as a gift.  Many times a clear statement of the new rules for presents will turn things around.

What if that doesn’t work?  What if they “forget” and keep doing it?  Accept the treat, say “thank you,” hold eye contact, and dump it in the trash in front of them.  Seeing their “gift” get thrown away can be a more powerful behavior modifier than any conversation.

What about emotional reasons for trying to sabotage you?  Two big ones are the fear of losing you, and not wanting your body to change.

They might be afraid you’re going to leave them.  A lot of people do end their relationships when they lose a bunch of weight, so it’s a valid fear.  Think through what getting skinny could mean for the two of you.  Are you still going to find your partner sexy?  What about lifestyle changes?  Are you going to be happy with them if you get into biking or dancing and you have to do it alone because they’re still on the couch you used to share?  How are you going to handle all the new male attention?  Is it going to turn your head and make you start shopping for an upgraded arm-accessory to go with your upgraded wardrobe?

If you want to stay with your partner, then you’re going to need to get them on board with the idea of a changed you.  Talk to them about their fears.  Let them know how sexy you find them and that you are making these changes for you, not so you can leave them.  Ask them to be your ally in creating your new life.

Don’t try to push them to change with you.  It’s much better to lead by example, quietly, in a relationship.  Change your diet, get more active, and see if they get inspired by your success.  Whether they do or not, keep your mouth shut about what you think they ought to be doing.  Just because you got a memo to radically change your life doesn’t mean theirs is due to arrive at the same time.  Instead, focus on maintaining your connection.  Keep doing the things you enjoy together that don’t revolve around food.  Let them hear, see, and feel that you’re not going anywhere.

There’s another possible reason why someone who is not a jerk might be trying to sabotage your diet: they like you as you are.  Personally, I am attracted to fat men.  Not men with 10 extra in a pot belly, but men with 50 or 100 extra on top of strong muscles.  Giant mountains of men just make me want to climb them.  It’s not the only body type I’m attracted to, but it’s a recurring favorite.

What if fat you is your partner’s physical ideal?  Marilyn Monroe was not a thin woman, and she had men all over the world swooning.  People are attracted to a wide range of body types, including fat ones. 

Your partner sees a girl they swoon over.  They get lucky and find out that the two of you are compatible in relationship.  They get you into a relationship.  Right now, the A-Team theme music is coming up and someone is saying “I love it when a plan comes together.”

Then there’s a screech of a needle on a record as you start non-consensually taking away the body that turns them on so much.  Seriously.  Did you ask them?  Did you negotiate this?  No.  You’re just changing the body they love.

I’m not saying you should ask them before starting a diet.  Their attraction does not give them rights to make the decisions about what goes in your body or how you look.  But you can be understanding of what you’re asking of them.  You can apologize, and let them know you hope they’ll find the new you attractive as well.  Most people have a range of body types/sizes they respond erotically to, so they might weather the transition just fine once they get over grieving the loss of the junk in your trunk.

You can try to sell the upside of the changes: greater flexibility and endurance, more energy, increased libido.  That could help quite a lot.

But if it doesn’t help, well, you might lose them.  There are a few men who found me attractive at 235 who still find me attractive at 135.  But by and large, fat Freya and skinny Freya appeal to different men.  I was single through most of my weight-loss journey, so I didn’t have to lose a partner as I lost my weight, but you might.

If you’re about to lose your partner, make sure you’re committed to changing your life through changing your body.  If you know in your heart that you’re going to go back to your old habits in a few months, well, maybe you could be on the board of directors of an orphanage right now instead of on a diet.  There’s got to be something productive you can do with your energy and drive to change something in the world.

If you’re committed to radically changing your life and becoming a thin and healthy person, apologize to your partner and let them make their own choices.  Be as loving and gracious as you can if they decide to go.  While loving someone no matter what is a lovely ideal, the fact of the matter is that sex matters in relationships, and attraction matters in sex.  Forgive them for being who they always were.

No matter what type of partner you have, or what their motivations are for sabotaging you, talking can never hurt.  Keep asking them what they’re feeling, what their fears and concerns are, and what they need from you.

And then dump those donuts in the trash and go for a nice long walk through the Juniors’ department at the mall.  In a few short months, you could be wearing clothes that cute.  How’s that for motivation?