Sexual Violence Issues and Staying Fat

Some form of sexual violence, or at the very least sexual pressure or intrusiveness, happens to every woman in our culture.  I can’t speak to the male experience, but I would feel safe in saying that a great many of them have been affected by unwelcome and invasive sexual attention as well.

What do I mean by sexual violence?  For the context of this discussion about weight, I mean any of the following:

– Childhood sexual abuse

– Adult sexual abuse, coerced sex by a partner

– Incest

– Rape

– Catcalls on the street

– Sexual harassment

– Unwelcome sexualized comments about one’s appearance

– Groping, grabbing

– That moment on the dance floor when a stranger holds you too close and you don’t feel you can get away without causing a scene

– Bullying or abuse for being differently gendered, a tomboy, or not pretty enough

– Negative consequences for not putting out—physical, verbal, or emotional violence, withdrawal of love and affection

– Being photographed, spied upon, or stared at in an unwelcome sexual way

– Men exposing themselves, suggestive crotch-grabbing

– Being followed, loomed over, or cornered, with a sexual intent

These things affect us in different ways.  Not everyone is abused as a child or raped, and those horrors are more likely to damage someone deeply than a catcall on the street.  But all of us are different, and our sexual pain is real even if it’s not as high drama as someone else’s.  For someone vulnerable to it, a moment of being taunted sexually on the subway could leave her with a powerful lingering fear of men just as strong as that experienced by a rape survivor.

As women, it never ends.  There are moments of unwelcome sexual attention that come our way all the time.  You are never too old or too young, too fat or thin, too pretty or ugly to avoid it.  There is no combination of dirty hair and sweat pants that will prevent all unwelcome sexual attention from coming our way.  There are things that can reduce it, but never eliminate it.

For those of us who are affected strongly by this and seek to avoid it, what steps do we take?  Dirty hair and sweats, baggy clothes, no makeup, masculine style clothes, always traveling with a friend, getting walked to our car at night, not going out at night, not going out at all, carrying pepper spray, putting extra locks on the door, learning to glare, cultivating a hard exterior, and best of all… getting fat.

Fat works wonders.  It eliminates over 90% of the bullshit.  When I got thin again, it was shocking to me how many different strategies I had to re-cultivate for shedding unwelcome males without drama.  They approach me all the time, and they all have to be managed or deflected in some way.  It’s a surprising amount of work.  The contrast from not having to engage in it hardly at all and then just six months later having to do it all the time was illuminating.  It’s a lot of work to be conventionally attractive and safe.

I have more fear now.  I am more likely to ask for an escort to my car.  I am more concerned about men on the street.  And it’s not because some overt violence has been done to me since I got thin.  It’s because these little acts of intrusiveness happen to me all the time.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a girl who loves male attention!  I thrive on it.  I dress to attract it.  But when a man has been gently avoided and persists, that’s not welcome, even for me.

So.  We have all experienced sexual trauma of some form or another.  For many of us, this is a key component in why we’ve become fat.  It’s just safer, easier, not to be so conventionally attractive.

This works against us when we want to lose weight.  Losing weight means taking off our armor—highly effective armor that has been protecting us for years.  As the weight comes off, people start making comments about our appearance all the time, like it’s any of their business.  With every pound, the number of men who approach us increases.  It’s uncomfortable, strange, exciting but frightening.  We feel exposed and vulnerable.

Because we are.

It’s not just in our heads.  We are actually more exposed and more vulnerable when we make ourselves attractive to a higher percentage of the population.  This isn’t something you get to wish away.

What is the answer? 

First of all, therapy.  Talking out past sexual trauma with a professional is essential.  It’s a whole lot easier to heal, and to stop needing to protect an old wound, when that wound has gotten some first aid. 

Second, strategies.  Figure out what bothers you, and then think of ways to handle it.  If it’s streets at night, then plan ahead for an escort.  Ask someone to walk you to your car.  If it’s being approached in bars, wear a wedding ring or take along a friend.  Brainstorm.  Ask your thin friends how they handle similar situations.

Be very conscious that you feel uncomfortable for valid reasons, and you have to actively intervene or those reasons will take you right back to fatness.  The reasons are from the past (therapy) and the present (strategies).  Heal and prepare.

You deserve health.  It’s a dangerous world, and it has hurt you in the past, but do not let that stop you from becoming whole and free.  Please.