The rest of this chapter is going to be about showing yourself off, so let’s pause a moment and talk about the opposite. Yes, it’s okay to hide sometimes.
The process of losing weight is crazy. It radically changes your life in many ways. Some of the time we are simply not ready for the feeling of naked exposure that comes from getting smaller.
As we lose weight, people start commenting. Suddenly every conversation we have seems to center around or at least start with how we’re shrinking away. That’s a lot of focus on the body of someone who has been trying to hide the state of their body for a long time. It’s like a cat who’s been trying to cover up their poop on the linoleum (by blousing out our shirt to hide our belly), who is suddenly given a litter box, and then everyone is constantly going “yay kitty, good for you, pooping in the box.” Well, yes, we are now pooping in the box, but by you saying that over and over and over you’re also saying we were really damn fat before.
It’s tough dealing with all the attention, because it brings attention to the fatness we weren’t proud of, and brings attention to the thinner body we were uncomfortable enough with to hide under a layer of fat. We feel exposed, vulnerable, or objectified.
We also have to deal with emotionally significant numbers. We come up on 200 pounds, and know that when we get to 199 it’s a whole different world. We approach the lowest weight we have been as adults, or the weight we were when we got married, or some other significant number. We cross that line and freak out because it’s so alien to our self-identity.
It’s all exhausting. Really freaking exhausting.
Take a break if you need to. Wear your fat clothes. Wear baggy sweats, no makeup, and your hair in a ponytail. Stay off the scale. Put your fingers in your ears, go “Lalalalalalalalala,” and pretend it isn’t happening.
Stick to your diet and keep losing weight, but take a break from forcing yourself to confront the physical reality of it. Sometimes you just need to rest in motion, to lay down in the bottom of your canoe as it heads down the rapids unsupervised.
If you want to hide from the attention, do it. Just don’t let that urge keep you from your goals.
This is sooo true. I am struggling now because I can't seem to get to goal, and if I am up a few pounds I feel like its all over and I'm huge again...this really is crazy!
ReplyDeleteHow funny; you posted this on the day that my scale informed me that I am now officially no longer obese. While I high-fived a stranger and left the gym in tears (of joy), I also have this nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm wondering "What if....."
ReplyDeleteThere are so many what ifs that I can hardly stand to think of them. What if it was a fluke and the scale calls me fat again tomorrow? What if I can't stay on track over the holidays? What if I get sick and can't work out? What if nobody notices the change? What if everybody notices? What if the pain in my back means I've hurt myself and have to stop working out? I love the progress I've made, but I wish it didn't make me more neurotic than usual.
Anonymous - get to goal! You'll be so happy you did! ;) But no, you are not huge again. That "I ate one bite of bread and now I weigh 400 pounds" thing is not actually reality.
ReplyDeleteTracey - CONGRATULATIONS on being overweight!!!!! So thrilled for you. And I completely feel you on being more neurotic than usual. There's so much fear associated with this process... *hugs*